guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
My boss' voice literally gives me gas
and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
the three of them together have enough kids to fill a barney live audience.
If i spent $300 & took that thing home i would hate myself today.
She just sucked the buffalo sauce out of my beard. I've never been so disgusted and hard in my life.
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
I know this is super early in advance but can I borrow your horse mask on 4/20
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
I've never had someone have to dis-arm themselves before I sucked their dick prior to that
It's an interesting experience to pee while a bird meows at you.
You need to get out of the house more
Ya that dick wasn't worth burning a perfectly good pizza.
You live and learn.
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
