why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
She had been watching Bad Girls Club where the annoying girl always says "I RUN L.A.". After she got wasted she kept going up to strangers at the bar yelling "I RUN FAYETTEVILLE." I peed in her drink.
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
just as they were cutting his pants off he made em stop & said "everyone knows about shrinkage right".
I lost track of him after he threw the handful of pennies at the 2 female cops and ran into the darkness. I heard a tazer and a scream. All that is left is his flip flop. Its like hes drunken man-derella.
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
Someone touched my vagina when we were out last night. The fact that it was you is inconsequential and I am still counting it as a pull.
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
Well we did eat French fries lady-and-the-tramp style last night...
She just asked what would happen if you put a vacuum in your butt and turned it on. These are our conversations.
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog.
This guy knew what he was doing. Most guys can't find the spot even if it shot off a flare and played a kazoo.
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
Randomize
