just used a caramelizing gun to spark a bowl, i don't think today could get much better than this.
I drew a venn diagram at the top of my final comparing stuff i know and stuff on the test.
he made me scream out "#24" while we fucked...no more football players
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
Lemme guess, I was the one completely shit faced making out with the 50 year old...
LOL, wrong number bro. Good luck trying to figure out what happened though..
I woke up next to him fully clothed but my thong was around his neck. Polling to decide if we had sex or not starts now.
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
I just realized I haven't had a date or a potential possibility of a date in about a year. Then I realized I wanted to actually go on a date. But I'm sitting here getting high instead of being at a party. Life.
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
he appreciated my fucking vagina for two hours he can appreciate my honesty
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
Is it in poor taste to drop acid before midnight mass?
I love this.
He screamed, "Let there be light!" when he came
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