I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
Haha I wonder if my burp offended him. So I gave him a fist pump to signify how friendly I am
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
Hooking up with him would mean my type has officially become... drug dealer.
and my attempt at hiding my drunkness from my parents included walking into the wall as soon as they let me into the house.
He told me he loved me and then asked if we could have sex in the snow
there COULD be a gas leak in our house... proceeding to smoke with extreme caution...
Yo if you blacked out last night, careful going through your purse. There's cocaine in a lollipop wrapper.
I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
Well puke fest 2014 just happened
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
so he's a sleeptalker.
yeah??
"Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell" right in my ear. 2 am.
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
Randomize
