seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
if by 'bottleservice' you mean 'bringing beers in my purse' then yes, we are.
Look on the bright side, you can mark 'beastiality' off your bucket list
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
Its official. I've reentered slutty territory. I was a condom away from having sex in a childs playhouse at a park. Oh and I lost my car keys.
It was just a reflex. BOOM I kicked her in the face
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
You texted me 'I am the leopard prince', with a series of pictures of you posing in what seemed like cat poses. you were not "a little bit" drunk dude..
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
I think I reached some stage of aging, have a sore/injured shoulder from sex, next up carpal tunnel from sexting.
i woke up to you and that girl going out onto the balcony naked
oh sorry man.. we went outside because we DIDN'T want to wake you
P.s. I loved that your balls smelled like coconut
At this point it's more of an experiment to see how much actual bush growth is possible. See, being single can be both educational and surprisingly comfy!
Regardless of how one feels after a break up, whiskey must be consumed.
Randomize
