I have had it with that bitchy sack of crazy. Iam done!
some guy just got out of his chair quietly. Laid down on the floor and is now asleep in between rows in my lecture hall. He must have had a rough night.
so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
What is a foreign vacation of stupidity without some fake names?
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
just had sex in my dorm hall public bathroom while wearing my favorite cat sweater. tonight was a win
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
sex on a roof was cool and all but that superhero argument was the best part of the night hands down
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
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