I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
When you want to head down the cleveland on Sunday?
What time do the bars open? I dont want to remember how bad theyre gonna lose
Fat spanish girl grinding against air conditioner. ive seen everything now
We ended up on a hotel balcony in Daytona where she lured a seagull down with a pizza crust she found in her purse and preceded to grab it out of the air by it's neck.
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
Almost just got kicked out of a bar because the locals spilled beer everywhere when we taught them to shotgun.
Just made nicotine water. Ithink i'm having a heart attack.
I was looking at your puke while I was peeing in it the next morning and that ceasar salad did not treat you well
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
this is what happens when you pick a roommate a year in advance.. she ends up hating you for hooking up with for of her extended family members
I think Saturday night will always be a mystery to me, except for buying an excessive amount of birthday shots for everyone and yelling BIRTHDAY SHOTS before every shot.
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
who knew magic tricks and sex would actually go together?
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
Randomize
