Is pulling weed out of a vagina a good thing or a bad thing?
you didnt know i had herpes?
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
scratch lunch, i just found about 7 more dicks drawn on my back
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
i looked up and she was looking over the stall watching me pee and told me to unlock the door. that dedicated to sucking my dick.
I swear she lies about being allergic to gluten so she'll get all the jack and not have to drink shitty beer like the rest of us
Of course I'll be there. I never miss an opportunity to smell like cigarettes, cheap beer, and shame.
His cat kept scratching my feet while we were having sex. There's only room for one pussy around here. It also concerns me that he owns a cat.
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
It's Christmas. You could splurge on something a LITTLE fancier than wine in a box.
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
where the fuck are you? she just tazed two people and we're tripping shrooms...successful first night in new apartment!
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
Randomize
