oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
Everyone just saw your hickey on TV and on the jumbotron at the hockey game.
Thanks dad.
I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
So one buddy got tackled at the urinals by national guard members and was arrested. Another had sex in a port o potty with possibly the drunkest girl I've ever encountered. The rest of us blacked out and won a few bets. So yes, the derby did meet our expectations.
the cop cuffed us all with 40's still taped to our hands
maybe almost giving yourself a concussion counter acts a hangover
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
I just saw a commercial for God of War and heard the nickname he gave my vagina.
One day i'll wow you with artfully trimmed pubes.
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
Can't be considered a walk of shame if you pick up donuts on the way home
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
I miss all the tiny banana hammocks... When can I go back to ogling? I can do it from a lot farther than six feet without any complaints.
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