I just saw a hot homeless man
i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
I mean we havent seen each other since december and then bam its cinco de mayo and were having sex under a life guard tower taking tequila shots between each position. no big deal
You'll be happy to know that I did indeed fracture my rib in a sex related injury
Thanks for last night. Sorry if i was obnoxious. I respect your morals and i wouldn't want you to lose your virginity to a drunk girl in your mom's prius.
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
Some advice...don't play drunk rock em sock em robots. With actual people. I have bruises EVERYWHERE.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
There's a chance I told a cop that I was ready for him to strip I may have even taken some ones out of my purse and stuck them in his holster
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
I agree and I would be an awesome dog
whoever decided snowing in 90 percent of campus on a night when the streets are flowing with tequila and skittles was clearly not an R.A.
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
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