bought some hannah montana deodorant. hope it doesnt make me smell untalented
if pee wee herman would have taken a snuggie to the movies he wouldnt have gotten caught
There's a Sam Adams brew house. How were we not supposed to go
for future reference: even when 4 loko is flat it still fucks you up. im near a tree. come find me.
You have to stop getting hammered and preaching about that mission trip to Haiti.
What was the name of that place where we saw that concert? It was like a warehouse and some guy was living in the loft above the stage...
It's called: a legit place to drop acid.
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
My head is just one big fuzz right now.. Its like someone replaced my brain with a teddy bear
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
Just whatever you do, don't neglect the balls.
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
I'm bathroom at buffalo wild wings
I think incapable of making pants work send help
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
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