My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
yeah but I shoulda known it\'d be bad when he start rubbing my pubic bone instead of the clit! Awkkkkwarddd
when im bored during the day i often think, what do people who dont get high do with their day.. i came to the conlcusion that everyone must be getting high
she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
get over here now. the boys are doing shots of everclear, chasing with monster, and some dude jsut walked in with a backpack full of tattoo gear.
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
This girl just swallowed a pealed banana whole. I'm not worthy.
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
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