a/c is broke at work...just took my panties off at my desk and the janitor saw it...might have a date for later. let you know
Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
My professor just used "labia" and "numchucks" in the same sentence. I am dying.
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
I don't know what the fuck is in the water in New Hampshire, but these dicks are HUGE.
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
Yea you just drank all the Hookah water, then started talking gibberish about the Kool Aid you just drank.
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
Interesting. All i can really say is humanoid shaped doritos bags melting very slowly
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
Randomize
