I will give you a bj if you get me food. NOT A JOKE. FREE BJ.
I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
We Started drinking at 8am and left the bar around 11pm....I hate ALL green things
It's not my theme song, it's my blowjob song. There's a difference.
You try staying up all night fucking a guy with a curved dick and see how much you want to go out after that.
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
Lemme guess, I was the one completely shit faced making out with the 50 year old...
LOL, wrong number bro. Good luck trying to figure out what happened though..
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
I'm pretty sure I just won at life. I touched the bushy tail of a squirrel while he had his mouth full and was digging in a plant on campus. That is all.
Got arrested last night. My cell mate just added me on Facebook.
It involves me, my best friend, and a stripper and her mother.
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
Why am I not drinking beer at 8:26am is the question
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