i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
or how I got to mom's but there is vomit on my shoes. I never thought i'd be recapping with her.
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
I smell like fire and strippers. Successful sunday funday.
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
I still have your make up all over the inside of my thighs from the face sitting. Free tonight?
I seriously had alll four of your knuckles bruised into my arm
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
His roommates came in the room and were throwing snowballs at us while we were hooking up.
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
I'm on A4A looking at dick pics while the CEO is on the phone trying to convince me not to leave the company
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
MY TITS JUST CAUSED A CAR ACCIDENT ON THE HIGHWAY! i kid you not!! i thinl the giy is actually dead
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