I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
We left around 4 AM after the stripper showed no mercy and dropped into a split on Matt's nose. Massive nosebleed.
mid puke you looked up at me and asked if it was your turn to sing
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
omg just made cake vodka jello shots, sooooo excited
dear god these taste like death. death and sprinkles
not now. havin a heart to heart with drunk fred flinstone
apparently, dueling with garden tools in Home Depot is strictly frowned upon
I'm tryin a pb and onion sandwich now
Please smoke with me until I agree that sounds like a good idea
I just really hate taking care of things... If I can't fill it with liquor I'm not sure what to do with it.
After we got done he told me to hold his penis because it helps him fall asleep
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
I puked into my skirt and then had to carry it to the bathroom and dump it out, Lmfao and it was like 2pm
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
it's like he didn't even know what a vagina was
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
Randomize
