There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
she takes plan B like it's going out of style
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
I just don't get it. Video games don't suck his dick.
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
What's the over under on catching something from your sister?
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
You were dancing with a coffee pot of rum in one hand and a joint in the other. So that should explain everything.
What's his name?? He crossfits 6 times a week, works in finance & is into the occasional felony class drug. His name is irrelevant in order to know if I wanna bone him again.
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
I came and sneezed at the same time. Words can't describe how awesome it was.
you never know when your going to find a surprise from me in your bed...it keeps you on your toes.
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
Randomize
