I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
It was so romantic--he turned me around to face the sunset during doggy-style over the couch back.
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
wait a second. did i just remember you the other night referring to your tits as tia and tamara.....
If I die tonight. Just know that chicken I made fuckin ruled. Recipe: Chicken with a shitload oF spice
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
You went streaking and came back with your shirt inside out. Then said "it happens in the line of duty" and passed out.
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
Last night I flashed a car full of people my tits for a bag of pretzels so yeah I'd say I was at least tipsy.
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
Dude we gotta go back to your cabin. left glenn. he's calling me crying and still drunk
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
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