No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
I smoked weed with pregnant girl. I'm going to hell.
She said she was an education major and you replied with "oh I'm taking a semester off too". And we never saw her again...
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
We blazed in her bathtub. All 5 of us. Not easy bro
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
I ripped the door frame off last night too. Just remembered.
I'm tripping balls on ambien right now and I still feel that's a bad idea.
I need an office. I have big plans. I'm learning spanish this month.
I can check masterbating in China off the bucket list.
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
Its one thing to reject me, but to reject me AND my hottest friend AT THE SAME TIME!?!?
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
Randomize
