maybe tonight we can turn coloring into a drinking game
He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
Curse you and your alcoholic milkshakes.
You're welcome.
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
Babies are disgusting. I held one once. Then I washed my hands and rinsed my mouth out with wine.
It's gotten to the point where waking up in my own apartment is a surprise
that is either the most profound and meaningful thing i've ever heard, or someone got high before noon again.
He was referring to me as "Teenage Dream" the whole night
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
Randomize
