Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
you kept naming everything at the party...like "boy i'm going to make out with" and "table i'm going to dance on later"
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
This morning my mouth tasted like fruit trees, battery acid, and magnums. Transferring schools was the best decision Ive ever made.
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
Getting stoned and sitting front row in a legal class.. Not my best idea
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
I've decided to take one for the team and bang the landlady for lower rent.
I just feel like I'm worth a little bit more than your recycled nudes...
the sex got boring after the first three hours
holy shit
Randomize
