we should go somewhere reaaaaaal shady
I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
Did I ever tell u about how my buddy fucked peter coors's daughter and made a tshirt that said I TAPPED THE ROCKIES with her picture on it?
He has a clip art-style heart tattooed on his hip. I hated him way before I saw his tiny dick.
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
If you could watch a water balloon run... That's what it's like watching her run.
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
my lips are numb and my face feels like a pool. PENGUINSSSSSS
Share, now.
yea, she was legit pissed that her rasberry vodka ice cubes never actually froze. but we couldnt convince her otherwise.
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