Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
the lady in the checkout infront of me had a case of beer, two 40 oz, and activia...really??i dont' think irregularity is her problem
he called me back to his office so he could lick a line of pixie stick off of my thigh
be sure to add "office slut" to your resume
I have pictures of you scratching against the sliding glass door on your knees screaming how you felt like a lamb.
i was drinking at the bar last night with a guy with no bottom teeth, wearing zubas and a polka dotted hat. if that isn't the definition of wisconsin, i dont know what is
By the way if you come home and I'm not wearing pants, just go with it. I didn't have the energy to go searching for some.
new costume idea. paint swatches and a ball gag... I'll be 50 shades of grey.
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
I managed all three standard threesome configurations a female-bodied person can achieve in just under nine years. I want to high-five everyone involved, but I've lost touch with a couple of them
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
The only thing he told me before he passed out was that he is from Buffalo and I'm a bitch.
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Randomize
