i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
so you told her it was a 'nam scar? i mean, how old does she think you are.
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
Is it possible to rally from a drunken seizure?
DID YOU REALLY JUST GIVE ME A FIRST BASE SIGN
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
I'll remember. Also, I owe you 200 for a pair of shoes that I carelessly bought to improve my spinal structure, to improve my health and ensure that I love to be 300 years old. Like Adam. Of the bible.
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
i don't remember going ever taking off my pants but my pubes are shaved into a K and kelsey is passed out in the shower.
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
Randomize
