I showed him my bush... on skype.
I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
I get drunk and say inappropriate things... you get drunk and sleep with inappropriate people. it's what we do.
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
All three women i have fucked in the past week are here in the same bar. Gameface, go.
Gonna go for any of them?
Thursday night girl, but friday is watching and tuesday is serving us.
I'm sorry you were dumb enough to get played by a male cheerleader
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
Sorry my hands just texted you
Holy shit he's circumcised. His parents must have really loved him.
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
I know it's my dream I got hurt enough to leave work but not hurt enough to stop drinking
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
Randomize
