There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
know what the best part about malls are? standing on the upper level and boob gazing
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
It's just one of those days where I'm too horny to function, to be perfectly honest.
Well I'm in the bathtub smoking a bowl and eating doritos and frosting so I might not be the one to advise you on this shit but I'll try.
Haha. Maybe he's one of those feminine men who fucks like a god then makes you fantastic crepes afterwards
Love these next 4 months. Wake up from a college football hangover and get to put your hand down your pants and watch NFL football all day.
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
I'm pretty sure I just orgasmned my way out of paying for that weed
After a crazy night, morning sex is just trying to find a position where you can thrust without getting seasick.
Just imagine a dick squawking like a parrot
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