I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
he came up my nose again i swear he does this just to piss me off
Day drunk and a can of soup and wine straight from the bottle and alone and on my kitchen floor.
Bring condoms and burritos. The rest will fall into place
when the song champagne showers came on you poured some kids beer over his head... while giving him a lap dance
Do you have paint?
Paint? I wish
OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
Man, you got so high you own goaled yourself in FIFA then got up celebrating.
Seriously I'm not after your cock. It's a nice bonus, like finding $20 in the dryer, but not the reason I hang out with you.
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
Would love to dress up in respectable attire and take you out somewhere nice and then do disgusting crude things in public
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
Randomize
