god I hate her. why can't she just fuck and leave like a normal slut.
He is like that thing on the menu you would eat because nothing else looks remotely edible.
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
I'm watching Cheaper By The Dozen. I almost forgot that Hilary Duff was a really shitty actor before she was a really shitty singer.
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
i was staring at her drunk thinking "shes at least a four"
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
Just remember my house smells of thick cut bacon and I have a big dick.
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
I think I came out of my blackout as I was ordering wine from the private wedding reception.
He fucked me so hard my hair extensions fell out
Her blowjob technique? Picture someone attempting to drink a triple thick milkshake through a Capri Sun straw.
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
Randomize
