im 80% sure the guy across from me is taking pictures of my legs
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
at least he lost his v-card with a bang... or should i say the clap.
there is beer in every square inch of this apartment and he hasn't even lived in it for 24 hours. we're playing some game that involves slamming beer, beer pong and smacking people's cups out of their hands.
You should offer shots at parent teacher conferences..I bet more ppl come
and you stopped teaching...why?
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
It is no longer St. Patrick's Day. I should NOT still have green boobs!
That's the only way to get approved without a guarantor.
WHAT DOES THAT MEAN WHAT FUCKING LANGUAGE ARE YOU SPEAKING
he has a party story that rivals our "PTSD- soldier-with-a-knife" party story. I'm pretty sure this is part of some prophecy.
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
Randomize
