Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
Why must guys tell girls who are a little bigger that "they like a girl with meat on her bones?" Yeah needless to say he went home alone
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
I just hit the bong during the whole bday song then blew the candles out with my exhale.
she's sitting in the bathroom of SA telling people to come in for a toilet ride
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
Nothing quite like walking through a spider web on your way back in from smoking to fuck up a perfectly good high.
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
So...I maybe walked across campus last night with my life size Joe Biden cut out.
Does the girl you just banged want anything from Taco Bell?
Randomize
