i jus seen this fat chick walk buy look like she had don king coming out her arm pits..
Is it sad i was sitting here thinkin how i would only fuck Rob Pattinson if he was glittery at said time.
just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
I still don't understand how I went from crying to blowing you in like two minutes.
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
There is a positive side to a sinus infection. Exclusively cowgirl sex. I've convinced her I'd pass out if I had to do the work.
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
Signs of a stoner: trying everything in your fridge topped with peanut butter to seek satisfaction.
I need to stop acting like a drunk bitch. People are going to get the right idea about me...
I was going down on her and she started whistling "Whistle while you work." I'm in love.
He kept saying "Ayyyyyyy" during foreplay... during sex.... during everything! It felt like I was having sex with friggin Fonzie from Happy Days!
it was a 'fall asleep on the bathroom floor after puking bc the cold tile is legit more comfortable than your bed' kind of night.
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
Randomize
