my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
I wouldn't have puked last night if I didn't inhale straight pepper from you shattering the pepper shaker on the wall.
Yeah I fingered her in the crowd and the dj saw it and gave me props over the speakers. I got so many high fives.
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
How do we have all these hot friends who we never do body shots off of
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
I don't know what's worse the fact that I woke up with a clit piercing or the fact that I didn't pay for it.
Last night was like blooper reel sex. He dropped me!!
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
I feel fine lol. I tried climbing a tree but the branch broke and I got arrested.
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
Randomize
