he said he "kind of had sex before.. Barely" i think it was one of those situations where you slide into home and get tagged out.
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
It made me think of you cause he just screamed "CAPTAIN PLANET" a lot and kicked people in the balls.
You were walking around in your swim suit, an open robe, snow boots and a death grip on that handel of captain morgan.
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual
You're too morally constrained. I firmly believe that you should be less concerned with how young she is and more excited by the fact that she's not jailbait by virtue of a legal technicality.
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
The guy next to me just said he wont play beer pong on principle. Im scared.
Gays age differently than straights. 29 is like 45 in gay years. Next year I'll be in adult diapers and applying for medicaid.
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
I may or may not be drinking in a church parking lot.
I'm going to leave the 5 dollars that fell out of my bra while fucking in his room on the dresser as an apology
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