there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
The only thought that went through my head was "that would be an absolute disaster" so of course I said yes
can we just pause for one second and address the fact that balls were out last night
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
Once you've seen a girl stick a snake in her snatch normal stuff seems like Barney and friends
The sad thing was my husband told her its ok to make out with me. Bar Tuesdays will live on regardless.
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
I just masturbated to the thought of him straight up talking to me. to us having a conversation. What the hell.
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
He's literally cuddling with the washer and dryer.
Sooooooooooooo you woke up on a rooftop. Classy
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