Fuck. sleeping in my sisters room again I heard zombie noises outside my window
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
so if i die before i go back to school its because the thing we found in the hallway that i've been smoking out of is a crack pipe
The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
thank you TLC waking up to a water birth on tv really put the cherry on top of my hangover...
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
Everybody knows the last week of summer internships include showing up to the office hammered and hitting on the CEO
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
I told her shower beers are even better when you have someone in there with you and she said she's been looking for a new drinking buddy. It's a goooooo
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
it looks like a nuclear can of fuck blew up in here
Randomize
