Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
just peed in the tub. didnt notice the passed out drunk guys there until a minute in
These headphones make me feel like I'm sitting on John Mayers lap and he's singing just to me. I picture like a pitch black room with a single spotlight on us. Also, convinced Kyle to give me percocet soo.
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
IM PICKING UP BLOW FOR US STOP WHINING ABOUT SEX
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
So he says to my dad "I'll pull out of your daughter but I'm not going to apologize". Yea, my night was fun.
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
First day back to class and I have already pulled out the hard liquor
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Randomize
