my ex just saw me in his brothers bed. fuck yes revenge feels good
She was narrarating everything she did.. like while making toast.
Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
she passed on me to fuck the foreign guy. is there a manlier, slightly less gay way of saying "always the bridesmaid, never the bride"?
nope.
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
Teasing with taco bell is not funny. High or sober.
The only thing he had going for him was mad fingering skills. the ONLY thing. crayons have a wider circumference.
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
like are we talking 'quick beer' bad or 'break out the real vodka' bad
she had a dildo shaped like a dolphin. she will forever be known as Flipper
Would I be crazy if I drove 1,000 miles for some dick? What mile does it become ridiculous?
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
I spent half my night explaining that i'm in an open relationship to the guys that I liked, and the other half of the night explaining that I have a boyfriend to the guys that I didn't like.
dude, there is no doorman in your lobby and the front door is locked
oh yeah, sorry he's up here at the party. coming now
Randomize
