I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
I think we need to find a happy medium between fried food and dicks. This could end badly.
Def walking back to my apt with a blender, an empty vodka bottle, and a half eAtn drumstick cone.
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
We're taking a shot every time Landon Donovan takes a shot. It's clever, sort of.
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
he never texted me back from last night. i think brining out the suction cup dildo was a mistake
I'm just gonna ride this ego train to sex town
the party picked up after I got pretty drunk...I got kicked in the fucking head by a tiny lesbian...she was 5'1" I did not think she could do it...i was very wrong
Well now you know... If you can get over the awkward... The dick is 10 min away.
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
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