Oh and I watched laurens last episode on the hills. its been an emotional day
she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
I just found a babydoll head in my sink where we ripped it off and did shots out of it.
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
Only you would get a side of potential vagina with your sandwich
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
I let him use my phone and now I keep getting gay cruise ads, I guess he forgot to mention something.
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
I swear if you laugh while im moaning i will immediately stop and go home.
How do you teach a grown ass men how to fuck? Why is good sex so hard to find these days?
whose shirt was i wearing?
his little sister's
what was she wearing
a feather boa and 6 inch heels
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