there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
Are you seriously drinking already? It's 11AM. Still morning.
I'm going by McDonald's time. And since they stop serving breakfast at 10:30 and start serving lunch, it is now afternoon.
i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
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She keeps referring to it as an "us" Either she is seriously mistaken on what fuck buddies are or she learned another meaning of the word "us"
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
Apparently you can talk a girl into leaving the bar and coming back to your tent, who knew?
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
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My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
I hooked up with Spider-Man on the hood of Santas car. I kept saying that he could shoot his web at me. Also I found Waldo. Overall good night.
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
He doesn't understand the concept of a strip club. He keeps falling in love
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