I just realized this is gonna be the last time that I'm high in my childhood home. I'm kinda sad. I'm really high..
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
The one from last night got me a whole floor of Eskimo Brothers. There was a celebration of high fiving as I left
Got robbed by knifepoint. Then got sympathy Bj. I might have to walk down Austin ave drunk every weekend
She is larger then a hippo. You could cut her open in the middle of a blizzard and crawl in like Luke skywalker. Throw a couch and a tv in there and you're set
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
I know my whole body feels like I belly flopped onto concrete. Seriously need to tone it down for a while
Oh yeah, found out i got it from my boyfriend's wife. Thanks though.
I said no to friends with benefits because it was too much commitment
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
Randomize
