then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
after last night, i judge her for not breaking up with me
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
We found her in the fireplace eating dog biscuits.
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
Its going to be drunk as shit/pirate themed. Im dressing as the former.
I'd say tonight was pretty successful. I rode an iron horse naked and sweet talked myself out of an MIC while wearing a bra filled with four loko.
Is it socially acceptable to break up with someone over snapchat?
Is it counter productive to ride on my exercise bike with a cocktail in hand?
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
That's a gentle way of saying I passed out like an 18-year-old on his first trip to Tijuana
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
the only fun thing to do here is drink beer and make mistakes. i feel like im in college again
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
Randomize
