Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
We had sex in the ocean but the tide took our clothes away too. Its no fun walking back to the dorm wearing only a beach blanket between you.
i finally found my car by the hideout. it was parked in an employee only parking space with a torn up piece of paper in the back window with the word employee scribbled on it.
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
We found her. She's owling on the sink in the bathroom.
I'm hungry
Come here to eat and play. It'll be like Dave and Busters except with sex
we left the music on while we were fucking. some kanye west song started playing and he started to cry
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
Keep in mind this was 2012... YOLO was a very new concept.
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
We left him in some bushes a few blocks down toward campus. Did he find his way home?
One of my nipples looks nothing like the other...i don't know how this happened
you were peeing in her backyard and some dude came outside and looked at you and was like "thats not a pee spot" and you said "well it is now" then i joined you. Forever poppin squats <3
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
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