This is clearly one of those "A hole's a hole" situations
We hit a deer, sort of a buzz kill. But it's fine.
oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
either i blacked out mid-sex but remember the beginning and end, or he really only lasted a couple of minutes
I know you don't remember, but the teeth marks on my face say it happened.
When's a good time to tell your boyfriend you've slept with his ex girlfriend?
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
We pretended the crowd cheering the Thunder's win was cheering for us while we had sex on the couch.
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
she basically told me that her vine videos last longer that I do
I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
I kept on yelling at him to get his shit together as he was puking
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
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