I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
hahhahahha. mid doggie-style, i faked an asthma attack. the sex was that bad
I think i just got paid for sex with a hot pocket... and i accepted
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
he kept yelling THIS ISNT AMATEUR HOUR
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
You fucked him. I baby bird fed him whiskey . I feel like we've bonded.
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
What part of a retired stonemason dealing with your rock hard cock does not sound like you have the wrong number ?
We played Rock Paper Scissors to see who would have to go down on the other person.
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
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