Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she can't stop having the shits.
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
She made me go down the fire escape when her mom came for breakfast.
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
It's getting increasingly easier to use his emotional instability to my advantage. That's about all he has going for him right now.
I just hit the bong during the whole bday song then blew the candles out with my exhale.
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
He took off his priest costume and proceeded to dryhump the teletubby.
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
My vagina was just really confused why you weren't inside it
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
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