They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
We had sex in his tahoe, talked about how we don't love each other and then high fived twice. Best Day Ever
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
i've lived in the woods for so long, as long as its post-op, i don't care.
Im making the walk of shame with half a box of pizza, its like when youre little and you get a goodie bag leaving the party
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
That's the kind of break up sex that keeps couples together. Damn.
He rode a broom down the stairs while we were mattress surfing. Naked. Buck ass naked. WTF
Haunted Houses: fun, lame, or love to sneak off and get fingered in the dark alley way?
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
But he's super into Jesus and I'm the devil. So we weren't meant to be
That is priceless. You walk into her house, fuck her husband and demand Chinese food. Your an inspiration to us all.
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