phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
I finally had sex with him last night, but we used a condom so it doesn't add to my number of sexual partners.
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
i forgot beer had calories. that would explain alot.
At my internship. I get drug tested tmr at 2
Are they going to pay you for the one day you worked?
no they seem fine, they're doing push ups and waiting for a charging toy helicopter
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
we all thought you were asleep. he found you an hour later sitting outside in the snow lighting a bowl, singing the CatDog theme song, and hugging a box a Franzia.
He was gunna drive a half hour for a makeout sesh. Time to take the diapers off and learn about the wonders of the penis, dude
He ripped my sink off my bathroom wall and then threw up in it.
He's got a beautiful penis, I can't lie
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
you said, "I wonder what your mum is doing right now." in the middle of sex, of course I threw up on you.
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
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