On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
We had like 4 guys come over and buy us all drinks as an excuse to hit on Kendra. Hanging out with her is now officially fiscally responsible.
I'll tell you what, we couldn't have asked for better binge-drinking weather.
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
you are going to have to live with the consequences, i'm going to fuck your sister
All i really wanna do tonight is get drunk with you and dance on tables. is that too much to ask?
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
You were walking away to pee and as you were undoing your belt you looked at me and said "the belt is off. the game is on. Remever that."
Well five day drinking adventure in appreciation of cinco de drinko under the belt, great way to start may
I only had ten dollars. So leave it to Katie to somehow makeout with the bartender, on his shift mind you, and get free drinks.
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
I know right, I would blow him just for the satisfaction he would taste like vodka
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
