How can i ever say i miss u when u wont go away
She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
so i woke up.. still drunk and discovered my roommate in the living room passed out dick-in-hand watching porn..
What did u do?
turned the porn up and opened the windows so everybody goin to class could see him..
i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened
She grabbed both of our dicks in the pool then said repeatedly, "this is my dream, this is my dream,"
I am as serious as getting herpes in Mexico...
What do herpes have to do with anything?
There is a really great story behind the missing Coco Puffs and vodka mystery
We should have a bouncer at the top of our stairs asking the guys we bring home for ID...
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
You see it tends to piss fathers off when they find their daughter in the arms of a shirtless guy that neither he nor his daughter knows.
He wanted me to choke him with my feet. So now I feel obligated to start writing my memoir
That portion can talk about stepping out of your comfort zone and how it can potentially kill people
Her parents are celebrating she found someone so well endowed.
Will there be champagne when they see the pay check?
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
Randomize
