I just woke up in the coolest sweatsuit i have ever seen..it has cory's name on the tag...do we know a cory?
His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
Does transporting jello shots count as driving with an open container?
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
you act like breakfast cereal isnt an entirely appropriate chaser
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
She once gave me sex advice over the phone while intoxicated. So no you don't have the cooler therapist.
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
YOU LICKED MY MAKEUP OFF.
If the smell of things stopped me from putting things in my mouth. I wouldn't be popular with Grindr guys.
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
Randomize
