I'm bakin' bread in my pussy!
What?
I have a yeast infection.
I kept pulling the $1 bills off the stage and told everyone "no no no she has to work for this money"
why is there an outline of nathan's body on my wall in whip cream?
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
its sad im about to start saving up for how drunk i need to be for the holidays
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
Dammit labor day drinking cancelled due to 3 inch long table saw cut to palm
It was all good till you had ppl chasin shots of ciroc with fucking applesauce
Finding an empty bathroom to shit on campus is like the quest for the fucking Holy Grail. Except with more stench and humiliation.
Drunk wound on my leg hast healed and neither has my dignity
My moms new boyfriend looks like Stu Pickles if he was in a biker gang. He gave me free coke though, so come party?
Appearently I went across the hall last night demanding to ride my neighbors moose... How much did I drink?
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