you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
You are colorful like whore, yet adorable, like sad puppy. You need more drink.
I just told you I can't. My fingers are melting. I have discovered the high.
It's official, the cities waste management does not recycle porn.
Double vision is so hot when a big dick is in sight. Thank you Bud Light.
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
You may now shotgun with the bride
I just found a weed leaf in my leg hair..
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
I woke up in some kids room and he introduced me to his friends at breakfast as "Monica" so I just went with it.
Just laying in bed, snuggling my cat, and pondering whether I'd like to attend a swingers party this evening...
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
I wasn't talking about him I meant his penis! Its not a pet
Oh. Well it should be. I like petting it.
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