if you like me you must not know who I am
I'm eating dry tortillas on a mattress without a sheet. and i thought my life would change after graduation.
He said "I wish they sold 40's in bars".. and a business plan came to mind. Maybe I CAN do something with my degree...
there's a liquor store near my therapist
i might give it a shot.
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
I feel like we'd have a lot of fun being drunk at a dog show.
I woke up naked with a Jason mask on and a fat lip. What happened last night?
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
You like pics of my balls that much?
I am at the store looking at frames as we text...
Im riding the bus with beer in one hand and chapagne in the other. I love weddings.
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
I just bought a bottle of dried bees on Etsy. I am the wrong person to talk you out of this.
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