I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
It was the single greastest thing to happen to my dick ever
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
when we were having sex and i started crying and telling you i missed you..why couldnt you stop and tell me how you felt or make me feel better?you kept going...
I got really high with eric & scott.. they're discussing why words sound the way they do.. it's going to get messy
I just sold some kid a bong I made out of a vuvuzela for $50. I think I found my career path.
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
True life. I have to get a nose job due to a deviated septum from blowing coke. Thank you college.
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
You know that pill i snorted last night? Yeh, its just hitting me now..... At work
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
Randomize
