I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
there were like 150 questions AFTER the application. you'd think for a store that has dick molding kits it'd be a joke
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
I don't know if it's lucky or if it really just makes my tits look THAT good, but I've never NOT gotten laid with this bra on
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
You strapped the bucket of KFC into the carseat and refused to let me drive over 20 miles per hour the whole ride home. That high.
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
I just kept thinking.. Holy shit. We're fucking in my front yard.
Maybe? I'm not shaving my pubes for a maybe type of night.
I was taking this cougar home in the middle of the night I walked across the hall all naked to take a piss and ran into to some chick from highschool she said no way you are fucking my mom ran into her moms room and started yelling at her
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
Randomize
