I've officially put my junk in foods from 5 of the 6 layers of the nutrition pyramid
True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
We decided to go to McDs, but we only had a few minutes to make it to breakfast. We were sprinting full speed ahead when she tripped and you just yelled 'LEAVE HER' and kept your course.
he rubbed his balls on my face to wake me up.. this friends with benefits thing is getting out of hand.
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
I feel a five day drunk coming on.
He expects to fuck my tits but will ignore me in public.
On way back. With a shopping cart. Minimal casualties.
I just got St Patricks day and the day after St Patricks day off, wich I'm pretty sure is as close to a raise as I'll ever get.
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
Randomize
