How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
Signed everyone in my dorm up for free samples of astroglyde. Took me an hour. Happy new years!!!!!
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
If I sleep with another Spanish guy it is officially renamed my senor year.
would you say our friendship is at the "help each other shave animal patterns in each other's pubes" phase?
YOU GOT KINKY WEIRD ICE CREAM HEAD ON FRIDAY DONT EVEN COMPLAIN.
I have bruises all over from falling so much last night, I even have bruises on my arms from them picking me up off the street.. Oh vodka nights.
Naw, the sex dungeon had to come down so we could build a nursery. Cause and effect really.
Its like her house is inhabited by 50 year old lesbian water color artists with a throw pillow fetish
I'm tellin ya, let the nipple get some air, they'll hire u on the spot, lawyers love a little nip
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
My walk of shame was four miles long and I had to stop for a water break. I am the picture of class.
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
Randomize
