I'll just stay a virgin forever then
You still have to go anyway
Then I guess I'll have to start sleeping around
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
I'm going to make him fall in love with me one blow job at a time.
Remember that time we were in the handicap bathroom snorting Molly at the stripclub. That was a defining moment in our friendship
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
Iron Man just asked me back to his place... Not sure I can handle this. Wish me luck.
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
If you could get me there thatd be perfect. I doubt there's extradition on the moon.
He passed out before we could have sex. I had no choice but to use his boner to hold my onion rings.
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
Randomize
